Things that the Golden Trio are no longer allowed
by uncutetomboy's bro
Summary: Slightly bored with always being attacked, the Golden Trio try some things out... leading to a list being made of things that they're not allowed to do. Based on various lists and streeching between ALL the books.
1. Rules 1 to 35

_Steve: Well, here we are for the first chapter of my newest fic: Things that the Golden Trio are no longer allowed to do._

_Pen-pen: Wa war... wark warr ark wark war waar... (Oh god... this will NOT turn out well...)_

_Yui: Agreed._

_Hinata: Ditto._

_Steve: Yeah... well... Anyways, if you guys wouldn't mind doing the disclaimer?_

_Pen-pen: waaaaarrrkkkk war wark ark war Warrk Waarkk. Wark ark waark._

_Hinata: Translation: uncutetomboy's bro does not own Harry Potter. Just the rules._

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Things that the Golden Trio are no longer allowed to do.

1. You are NOT allowed to charm Professor Snape's robes to play the Batman theme song every time he walks into a room.

2. You are not allowed to charm Mr. Malfoy's robes to transform into Robin's outfit everytime he hears the Batman theme.

3. Harry, claiming that Madame Pomfrey is trying to make you into her sex slave will not stop us from sending you to the Hospital wing.

4. You are never again allowed to give Professor McGonagall brownies with catnip in them.

5. No Ron, giving Professor McGonagall a collar after giving her catnip does not mean that she is your pet cat.

6. Even if she acts like it at the time.

7. You are not allowed to tell Alastor that the car outside might be a Transformer.

8. Nor are you allowed to tell him that you saw the MIB in the area.

9. What are Transformers and MIB anyways?

10. It is NOT good idea to give a cooped up Sirius caffeine pills and then leave the Order to deal with him.

11. Nor is it a good idea to give Dobby the same thing.

12. Harry, dressing up in a black cloak and then telling people that your Salazar's reincarnation before speaking in parseltongue is not a funny prank.

13. Bribing the Slytherins with muggle Playboys/Playgirls in order to turn the other way when you annoy Mr. Malfoy is not right.

14. Even if it works.

15. Especially if it works.

16. Hermione, stop telling Pansy that the Giant Squid is good with it's tentacles. We've had to fish her out of the lake three times this week.

17. You are no longer allowed to bring farm animals into Hogwarts.

18. Nor are you to be anywhere NEAR farm animals.

19. You are not allowed to build an army of House Elf ninjas.

20. Telling Arthur that licking batteries is a muggle past time was not appreciated.

21. Neither was giving him a car battery to see what would happen.

22. Sending porn to the Ministry is not funny. They barely do anything as it is.

23. Not even if it gets you into their good graces.

24. Ron, you are no longer allowed near explosive substances of any kind. I don't care if no one was using that toilet.

25. Harry, stop sending "anonymous" letters to Teen Witch/ Witch Weekly about Parseltongues and sex.

26. Harry, why did Tom send you a letter thanking you for a rumour?

27. You are to stop referring to the Prefects as "Keystone Kops" or as "Commissar".

28. You are to stop telling first years that there's a designated Stinging Hex target. Mr. Flint has been to the Hospital Wing eight times today alone.

29. Harry, why is Madame Promfrey telling me that she needs to see you for weekly checkups? Whatever the reason, stop it.

30. You are not authorized to give paid guided tours of Hogwarts.

31. Neither are you authorized to give paid guided tours of the Department of Mysteries. They've been getting very annoyed.

32. Stop claiming that Tom is a personal friend of Michel Jackson who shares the same interests in little boys. We got a Howler from him claiming that was too low and dirty even for him.

33. Stop getting Myrtle to help you write porn by spying on couples.

34. What is with you three and porn anyways?

35. You are not allowed to create a cult that has Hedwig as Athena's daughter.

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_Yui: (Head in her hands while shaking it.) I CANNOT believe that you did that!_

_Pen-pen: Wark! Waar wark waarrkk war ark wark. Aark war Waarrk Waarrkk wark wa ar war!? (Yeah! Have some respect for the dead! What did Michel Jackson ever do to you!?)_

_Hinata: That wasn't what Yui-san meant Pen-pen. Though I'm frankly both disturbed and disgusted with the idea of Poppy-san making ANYONE a sex slave..._

_Steve: And you think that I don't? I certainly do!_

_Yui: I'm almost afraid as to what comes next..._

_Steve: You'll see..._

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	2. Rules 36 to 70

_Steve: And here's the next chapter!_

_Yui: And it gets a little weird..._

_Pen-pen: Wark wa waark waarrk? (Like it wasn't already?)_

_Steve/Yui: True._

_Hinata: Um... (Looks at list) aren't some of these... more M-rated?_

_Steve: Actually, it only hints at stuff, so I can get away with the rating. Anyways... time for the disclaimer!_

_Pen-pen: waaaaarrrkkkk war wark ark war Warrk Waarkk. Wark ark waark._

_Hinata: Translation: uncutetomboy's bro does not own Harry Potter. Just the rules._

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Things that the Golden Trio are not allowed to do Part two

36. Hermione, you are to stop referring to Professor Snape as a "Sex God". The Ministry has been getting annoyed with the amount of overtime that the Oblivators are putting in.

37. On a related note, and for much the same reason, Harry you are NOT to refer to Minerva as your "Hot little sex kitten" anymore.

38. You three are not allowed to dress in tights and claim to be superheroes.

39. Nor are you allowed to dress in tights and claim to be supervillians either.

40. You are not Jedi. So stop bugging people at Star War conventions.

41. Neither are you Sith.

42. Aurours are NOT Imperial Stormtroopers. So walking up to one and waving your hands while saying "You do not need to see any identification, and these are not the droids you looking for" does not work. For more information, see rule #40.

43. Same with Death Eaters.

44. And Voldemort is NOT your father Harry. What is with you three and your Star Wars kick lately?

45. Harry, you are not to use a charm to make your eyes red and then walk into a Death Eater meeting and claim to be the "Real" Lord Voldemort. And you are not allowed to state that the other is a out-of-control Horcrux.

46. Even if they believe you.

47. No, you are NOT allowed to keep Bellatrix as a mistress if she actually believes you to be the Dark Lord.

48. Not even if she can do amazing things in the bedroom.... And I don't believe that what you just said is even biologically possible.

49. Brooms are not entitled to be buried with full honours.

50. You are not allowed to taunt members of the press.

51. You are not allowed to perform lap dances.

52. Even if you're getting paid for them.

53. You are not allowed to throw Mrs. Norris off the Astronomy Tower to see if cats really do always land on their feet.

54. You are not allowed to say that Mr. Longbottom's pet toad is in fact a transfigured prince of an imaginary kingdom. Hearing Pansy scream was enough torture thank you.

55. Lucius Malfoy is NOT "Da Pimpmaster".

56. Pants are NOT optional.

57. You are not allowed to operate a business out of Hogwarts.

58. ESPACILLY a porn studio.

59. Furby is not allowed into the Department of Mysteries.

60. You are not allowed to tell people in the DA that against the Death Eaters you "Charge into battle naked, like the Celts."

61. Even if it gives you an advantage.

62. You are not allowed to sell "Magic Beans".

63. Nor are you allowed to ask if you can grow mushrooms in the dungeons.

64. Professor Sprout is NOT growing narcotics in the greenhouses.

65. You are not allowed to try and take over the world with flying monkeys.

66. And, just in case, you are not allowed to create flying monkeys.

67. No Hermione, we are not interested in what you read that you can do with a rubber duck and whipping cream.

68. Same with rubber sheep.

69. You are not allowed to have rubber sheep anywhere near Hogwarts.

70. You are not allowed to sneak a goat into the Headmaster's office when the Board of Directors is coming. See rules #17. and #18.

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_Steve: And that's all for now!_

_Pen-pen: Waark waarrk wark waaarrrkk. (Thank anyone who's listening.)_

_Steve: Anyways... See you guys once I have more! Later!_

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	3. Rules 71 to 100

_Steve: And here we are with the third chapter of "Things that the Golden Trio are no longer allowed to do"!_

_Pen-pen: Wa waark warrkk... war ark waarrkk waark warrk. (In other words... you got writer's block again.)_

_Steve: Well... maybe. Anyways, Hinata, please thank the reviewers!_

_Hinata: Hai! Thank you:_

DragoonMaster11

Rachelnot

the silent ninja cupcake

Lions eat snakes for breakfast

Super Sailor Ganymede

xdiamondsxarexshinyx

Toodlesmyfriendslovepoodles

_Yui: Some of these... are just SO wrong._

_Steve: And that is why we put them up on Fanfiction. Anyways... could you guys do the disclaimer?_

_Pen-pen: waaaaarrrkkkk war wark ark war Warrk Waarkk. Wark ark waark._

_Hinata: Translation: uncutetomboy's bro does not own Harry Potter. Just the rules._

**Things that the Golden Trio are no longer allowed to do Part three:**

71. Harry, you are no longer allowed to wear a "Sexy Santa" suit around Christmas.

72. Ditto for the Bunny suit around Easter.

73. You are not allowed to charm the Great Hall so that all girls fifteen and older will suddenly be wearing Playboy bunny suits with a command word... The Obliviators were pissed since Pansy and Millicent were two of them.

74. You are not allowed to add "In accordance with the Prophecy" to whatever you say when you face off against Tom, Harry.

75. Harry, you are not a Pimp. So give Hagrid his moleskin coat back and give Lucius his cane back as well.

76. Hermione, you are not allowed to train Acumantula as guard animals for the Girl's dormitories.

77. You are not allowed to write up contracts for people's souls... while in school.

78. Or out of school.

79. None of you are EVER allowed to do the (in)famous "Barbie Doll" dance ever again.

80. Harry, we're trying to convince people that you're not crazy. So stop saying that the sock puppet on your hand made you do it.

81. Stop referring to brooms as "Crotch Rockets".

82. Stop asking Delorous if she has "Eaten any good babies lately".

83. You are not allowed to use a Dark ritual to create your own Sex Kitten/Stud using someone's blood.

84. Especially if it's an Order member's.

85. And not when the said person's spouse/parent/relative/ significant other are on premises.

86. You will not spike Alastor's eating utensils with LSD. Do you have any idea of how much damage he did?

87. You are not allowed to invent a spell to give someone a sex change.

88. Nor are you allowed to test it on anyone.

89. You are not allowed to charm the Slytherin's robes to have a Bullseye on the back.

90. Same with the Aurours (Death Eaters are okay though).

91. When Death Eaters attack Hogwarts, you are not allowed to speak in a very atrocious french accent to them.

92. And you are not allowed to then throw giant wooden rabbits at them. They won't get the joke.

93. No, you may not put captured Death Eaters in a cell with a muggle named "Bubba".

95. Nor with one named "Hannibal".

96. You are not allowed to volunteer to strip search a captured/suspected Death Eater of the opposite sex.

97. Nor are you allowed to bribe the Auruors to order you to do so.

98. You are not allowed to use the Minister as a shield during a DE attack. Even if it's Fudge.

99. When mixing potions, you are not allowed to say "What could possibly go wrong?"

100. You are not allowed to say the above phrase under ANY circumstances. That's just asking for it.

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_Steve: And that is it for this chapter._

_Yui: Can you please explain... what is up with them and porn/sex?_

_Steve: Uh... Um... Blame Innortal._

_Hinata: Who?_

_Pen-pen: Waaarrkk war. (Timeloop guy.)_

_Steve: (Stare) ..._

_Yui: (Stare) ..._

_Hinata: (Stare)... Oh, him... Got it._

_Steve: Well... onto the next chapter! See you all there!_

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	4. Rules 101 to 130

_Steve: And here we are for the next chapter of the fic!_

_Pen-pen: (Looking at one of them before facepalming.) (Dear Lord... They're now into Voyeurism...)_

_Steve: Did you think they wouldn't?_

_Pen-pen: War (Yes.)_

_Steve: Well, they did. Anyways, time for the disclaimer!_

_Pen-pen: waaaaarrrkkkk war wark ark war Warrk Waarkk. Wark ark waark._

_Hinata: Translation: uncutetomboy's bro does not own Harry Potter. Just the rules._

**Things that the Golden Trio are no longer allowed to do Part four:**

101. You will not refer to Alastor as "The Dread Pirate Moody" ever again.

102. You will stop taunting Death Eaters with "Yo Mama!" jokes.

103. Same with Tom.

104. Do I have to say the same thing when it comes to the Ministry?

105. Leave the press alone, see rule #50.

106. I already told you, no porn studio. I don't care if it is Patriotic.

107. And I don't care if you say the money is going towards the War effort.

108. You are not allowed to teach four giants how to sing Rod Stewart's "If you think that I'm sexy" as a barbershop quartet.

109. Same with trolls.

110. You are not allowed to teach ANY sort of "Barbershop Quartet-ing" of any sort.

111. You are not allowed to teach giants how to perform River Dance.

112. And before you even think of it, the same goes for anyone else.

113. You are not allowed to hunt squirrels with Reducto or any other sort of explosive spell. I don't care who started it first.

114. I don't know how you did it, and I don't want to know, but you are not allowed to put Superglue on the inside of the Death Eater's masks.

115. Hermione... putting glitter dust on Vampires will NOT make them "Sparkle".

116. And stop asking them how good they are at Baseball.

117. Stop asking the Aurours if they found some muggle named Hoffa.

118. Stop giving Giants and Trolls advice on the benefits of an all-bean diet.

119. Stop sending strippers to the Minister.

120. Never, EVER invite Sirius to Karaoke night again. While he may look like Stubby Boardman, he carries about as much a tune in his human form as he does in his animagus form.

121. You are never to stumble from the Forbidden Forest with a rubber Facehugger wrapped around your face.

122. You will remove the video surveillance equipment from the female Order member's bedrooms.

123. You WILL destroy all tapes made. And I don't care how much you're making... on a related note, they're right behind you.

124. You are not allowed to have Mr. Malfoy's pet neutered.

125. The same goes for his owl.

126. Yelling "SPOON!" is no longer allowed when you're heading into a fight.

127. Okay. I am really getting tired of this, but Headquarters is NOT a place for a Porn studio.

128. Hermione... Telling Pansy that Devil's Snare has really nice tentacles was NOT appreciated.

129. Harry... You are not allowed to wear a dress.

130. Same for Ron. Neither of you look good in one.

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_Steve: And there we go!_

_Pen-pen: Waaarrrkk... (Thankfully...)_

_Yui: Well... hopefully this will clear your head enough for you to go ahead and finish up the next chapters._

_Steve: Hopefully. Anyways... Time to go! See you all around!_

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